Can you hear my heart, mom?

You born me this way, the strong perfectionist pervert. You never too worry about me, you know and trust me well. It has made me purposely intend to catch your attention by little action.

I blamed you when you were late sending me to school because of your laundry. I blamed you not coming first to receive my school report when i was the first but you let dad to attend my lil sis and bro school first. I blamed you when you always stand up for my lil brother although he was disturbing me study. I even fasting for a protest!!! I blamed you not permitting me to attend english debate competition then i still forced to join without your permission. I blamed you not to support me when i got the scholarship to Jakarta. All i knew that time was to blame you.

I was busying study and doing my part time job and neglect you a lot. When i was home,you have slept. Till, when i found you were in serious illness. I was blank, doing nothing,unable and think of a suicide. That was too fast, not a month then you were gone. I was 18years old that time. You left me a message “take care of your lil bro and let him finish his school”.

I grew up, married, and being someone’s mom. It was too late for me to understand, to thank you, to repay you, to make you happy. I am able now but you have already gone. I was given a real good sharp memory that i remembered every single moment like a slide of film. Pops up and kills me every year when i pay a visit to you. Our dad birthday is your cremation day. It kills me a lot again.

Sometimes i talk to you in my heart at your altar, i miss you in my mind and heart that i want to tell you everything everyday. I want you to see that we are doing all good. May you rest in peace until the day when we reunion again. Can you hear my heart, mom? I thank you for ever being my mom.

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A person who sees life deep inside, the ugly truths of human beings, want to learn a lot, life balancing is the goal. The older i get, the deeper i am.

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